Sometimes I find myself slipping into a fog of comparison and self-doubt. I get caught up with the notion of wanting everything and wanting it now. Frustrated that life doesn’t work that way. Telling myself that I’ve fallen behind, how I’m not achieving enough.
I forget about what I have and how I’ve worked hard to get it.
Instead I look enviously at my friends. Their perfect-facing world of babies, work and big houses. Having it all and juggling it, all while balancing on their perfectly coiffed heads.
That feeling of not doing as well as them. Not having what they have. Not being at the same point in my life as they are theirs. Questioning how content I really am.
I rarely vocalise it, only to Al and my mum, because I hate to sound negative and I hate to wallow but I rely on them both to shake me out of it.
After we got back from our honeymoon I felt lost. All of the planning, the chaos and excited chatter was suddenly over and I was left project-less. I got it into my head that I hated our maisonette and wanted to move. Impulsively I made an estimate of our finances and then started hunting houses down that fell within that bracket, which was beyond slim. I got hung up on the fact that we couldn’t afford the next step up in the area that we currently live. That we’d have to make some sacrifices with either our location or what we were looking for. I started to get frustrated unnecessarily. I needed Al to remind me that actually, what we’ve got is more than fine for right now. We live in an area we love, have manageable space and luckily have our family and friends right around the corner. With some love and hard work, we can scrub our home into what we want – my tropical jungle oasis.
This isn’t a post looking for any kind of sympathy, pat on the backs or texts to check I’m ok, because I am. It’s just a place I use to express my feelings. By writing them down, it gives me a chance to process everything, look at it with fresh eyes, clear perspective. I can write about it, get it out of my mind where thoughts tend to fester and move on, leaving it behind me. It’s a reminder that I’m very content right now and happy with my lot.
If book deals, babies and new houses happen in my future, bonus. But for right now, I have more wood work to paint. It turns out I’m rather good at that.
P.S My cousin sent me this perfect card at the perfect time, again reminding me that my family rule.
Such an honest post as always. I often feel the same way especially about work and how I am no where near where lots of my friends are. I am also a want it now person, especially when it comes to the house, but in reality we can’t afford to do it all, so right now we will live without having curtains haha.
Your posts are always great to read and I’ve learnt a lot from them. I buy myself flowers weekly and try to set aside some me time. Have a lovely Thursday xxx
Thank you! I always try to be as honest as I can because life isn’t always roses and fluffy bunnies. I’m focusing on the positive things I can change, we’re currently doing up our flat so that when the time does come, we’re in a better position. Yes to buying yourself flowers and yes to making time for you. X
Jo your honesty and self expression is wonderful and authentic, an achievement in itself I’d say. And the culture we live in expects us to have everything and achieve and have it now and achieve some more. But really it’s about living and loving and giving ourselves permission to be happy, to seek happiness and fulfilment. And most of all, to be kind to ourselves and to others, to be compassionate and accepting. You are on the way to having it alll I’d say! Keep writing.
Thanks Kate, that means a lot. It’s all true, life is about living, loving and happiness. And doing anything which makes yourself and others smile is key for me. Comparison is the thief of joy! I have big writing plans which I need to share with you. Jo x
As always I just love reading your blog as I told your mum the other evening. I am thinking at the moment of getting into writing a journal myself but there are so many to choose from. I like the idea of the 5 minute journal where you write in the morning your intentions for the day and the evening about how your day went. Only thing is that it is not free writing so I might just get a pen and note book out and write freely lol! xx
Thanks Roisin, Mum passed the message on too. Definitely start journaling. I have one where I record the highlight of my day every evening, for 3 years. It’s so nice to look back at everything I’ve done and all the lovely memories. It also makes me stay positive. Do it! Buy yourself a nice notebook and start writing. There’s something amazing about putting pen to paper. Jo x