I feel a huge sense of uncertainty is hanging over my future and on some days I find that thrilling, that I’m ready for that next challenge, and the next I can feel the bubbles of anxiety starting to boil in my chest because uncertainty still scares me. I’ve acknowledged that both of those feelings are allowed and understandable but it doesn’t stop me from feeling confused and unsure.
I feel like my plans are pretty much mapped out for the rest of this year. There will be more laminate flooring laid and we will finally finish decorating our bedroom. New babies will born to friends. We’ll have plenty of family days. I’ll turn 32 and still be more excited about Christmas and wake up earlier than any of my nephews.
But 2019 feels different. It will be different. I really will be starting the New Year fresh as my career looks to change, who knows in which way. My comfort blanket will have been firmly pulled from my grip and I’ll be free-falling into a new space I can carve for myself. How that looks, I’m not yet certain. Some days I’m confident in what I want, others I find myself doubting my abilities and knowledge.
I don’t deal with uncertainty well. I’m a planner. I like to know as much as physically possible. Every outcome. Every scenario. I like to be in control. It’s not healthy and massively drives my anxiety and IBS, it’s something we’ve been dissecting in my CBT sessions. How it’s not possible for me to always be in control. And that’s ok. Sometimes I can just feel the situation out. Dip my toe in without any pre-thought out plans. Throw myself straight in and see if I swim.
That’s how I feel about 2019. About the potential for owning my shit. Being the boss of my life and my destiny. Taking charge and going for it. I’ll only see how I do by doing it.
So when I have waves of sleep-depriving doubts I remind myself that I’ve got this. That I can use that fear to drive me forward, in whatever direction I want to go in. And that gives me butterflies.
How do you deal with uncertainty?