I’ve got my first bridal appointment in the bag, swag. And I didn’t even lose my shit or cry. Not once. Although I did have to take my shoes off immediately and have two women shimmy, squeeze and then tie me into a dress…
Here goes. Brace yourselves.
1. We had to take our shoes off immediately upon entering the boutique. Yep, everyone there was barefoot. Which is all kinds of gross.
2. They barely asked me any questions about myself, merely where I was getting married.
3. They asked me to browse the racks and pull out any frocks that I liked – this was an intimidating process.
4. I stepped inside the smallest cubicle with some of the biggest dresses I’ve ever seen.
5. It’s one of the few times in my life that I’ve worn matching underwear and that was only because I thought the assistant would see it.
6. I contorted my body into a number of fitted creations each with more sparkle and lace appliqué than the last.
7. The assistant had to physically squeeze my size 10-12 body into a size 8 dress.
8. She was then joined by another colleague to help zip me up in said dress.
9. It was at that point that I learnt there was no dignity in trying wedding dresses on.
10. I then had to put their heels on and totter with restricted leg movement to the main area – which looked like a posh bedroom owned by someone with an addiction to collecting wedding dresses.
11. I then had to get on a box – not an easy feat when you can only stretch your legs by 2 inches – and stare at myself in two mirrors, front and back.
12. All while my mum scrutinised everything.
13. And while the assistant tugged at the linings, fanned out the train and looked at me critically.
14. I learnt that anything is possible in terms of customisation. You can remove some netting, change the straps, make it more backless, anything goes.
15. I realised that the dress I thought I was looking for might not be what actually suits me.
16. I also realised that under all my oversize outfits there’s not a terrible shape and that I have me some curves.
17. I also realised that it’s really hard to imagine a dress that’s a size too small and restricting your breathing, actually looking nice, rather than the reality of what was looking back at me. Sausage meat squeezed into its casing.
18. My mum got teary eyed at the last dress but we knew it wasn’t the one.
19. I learnt that wedding dresses are made from thousands of layers and that if I wore one of these in the Caribbean I will definitely a) pass out or b) need fans built into the skirt.
20. I learnt that in the right fabric my bum didn’t look half bad.
21. I learnt that I can barely walk in heels on plush carpet.
22. I learnt that finding a weather-appropriate dress for the beach is going to take some searching.
23. I also learnt that the whole experience wasn’t as scary as I thought.
24. And that my mum is the best person to go with.
25. At no point did we talk cashola until the very end of the appointment when I was given a card with my favourites written on it. Not that we could remember which ones they were by then.
26. Although the lady did tell me that one dress I tried on was a ridiculous price. I thought that meant pricey but in fact, the opposite. That made me want to buy it.
27. And yep, I’m looking forward to doing it all over again at the next place.