I am known within my family and friends for being the go-to gal for all poo-related chat. That’s the role that has been bestowed upon me, thanks to my extremely unpredictable bowel, and I’m pretty damn happy about it.
Let me tell you why.
Having spent a long time over the years locked in the loo, I know a thing or two about poo. I could probably even recite the Bristol stool chart in my sleep if you challenged me. I go so frequently that it would be weird for me not to talk about it. At least, that’s how I see it.
Talking about poo and not being embarrassed is my thing. In the same way that midi skirts and sequins are my thing.
I have a bestie who nicknamed me 2Poo – as if I need explain why – waaaaaaay back when we were kids, growing up down the same cul-de-sac together. Because he knew a lot about my toilet habits. Back then I was very regular.
I even bought one of my honorary nephews a game called Poo Head for Christmas. One of you straps on a skull-cap covered in velcro while the other throws squishy poos at your head for points. Genius. Who wouldn’t want to play that.
Anyway, I’ve gotten into a pattern of being the first person to get a text if someone has had a change in their bowel movements or an upset tum. And the conversation usually goes a little something like this…
Friend: Hey babe, how’s your week going? I’ve been off sick with an upset stomach. Man, can I relate to how you feel. Can’t believe you have to deal with this regularly… x
Me: Ah babe, that sucks. I feel your pain. Are you at home?
Friend: Yep, what can I do?
Me: Right, make sure you drink water to hydrate. Get a hot water bottle strapped to your tum. Peppermint tea. Eat gentle food. And rest, lots of rest. Oh and a bath. Always a bath.
Friend: Thank god I have you as a friend. You are my hero.
I mean, that’s not word for word but I think you catch my drift.
In some ways I take it as an honour that my friends think of me while they’re having a poo. Well, you know where I’m going. I mean, we talk about everything else so why would literal shit be off the table.
I have no idea where this post is going so I will sign off by saying the following…
You got an issue with your gut, you come to me. Alright? Actually, if you’ve got an issue with your gut you should see your GP. Just know that I’m here for poo chat.