Sometimes I find myself slipping into a fog of comparison and self-doubt. I get caught up with the notion of wanting everything and wanting it now. Frustrated that life doesn’t work that way. Telling myself that I’ve fallen behind, how I’m not achieving enough.
I forget about what I have and how I’ve worked hard to get it.
Instead I look enviously at my friends. Their perfect-facing world of babies, work and big houses. Having it all and juggling it, all while balancing on their perfectly coiffed heads.
That feeling of not doing as well as them. Not having what they have. Not being at the same point in my life as they are theirs. Questioning how content I really am.
I rarely vocalise it, only to Al and my mum, because I hate to sound negative and I hate to wallow but I rely on them both to shake me out of it.
After we got back from our honeymoon I felt lost. All of the planning, the chaos and excited chatter was suddenly over and I was left project-less. I got it into my head that I hated our maisonette and wanted to move. Impulsively I made an estimate of our finances and then started hunting houses down that fell within that bracket, which was beyond slim. I got hung up on the fact that we couldn’t afford the next step up in the area that we currently live. That we’d have to make some sacrifices with either our location or what we were looking for. I started to get frustrated unnecessarily. I needed Al to remind me that actually, what we’ve got is more than fine for right now. We live in an area we love, have manageable space and luckily have our family and friends right around the corner. With some love and hard work, we can scrub our home into what we want – my tropical jungle oasis.
This isn’t a post looking for any kind of sympathy, pat on the backs or texts to check I’m ok, because I am. It’s just a place I use to express my feelings. By writing them down, it gives me a chance to process everything, look at it with fresh eyes, clear perspective. I can write about it, get it out of my mind where thoughts tend to fester and move on, leaving it behind me. It’s a reminder that I’m very content right now and happy with my lot.
If book deals, babies and new houses happen in my future, bonus. But for right now, I have more wood work to paint. It turns out I’m rather good at that.
P.S My cousin sent me this perfect card at the perfect time, again reminding me that my family rule.